Monday, July 31, 2006
it has been exactly a week since i am not on speaking terms with somebody. admittedly it's hard on my part since there is no way that i won't be seeing that person.but sometimes, i'm thinking, what happened was a wake up call for me to do something..POINT 1:
I have been thinking of living independently for the longest time already but i have not yet gathered ample guts to do it. i have always been complaining that i'm sick and tired of how my life is being run by other people yet i am doing no way to resolve it. With what had happened, i was able to realize that i have long been living my life like a prisoner, one that needs to ask permission everytime they'd go out for some time, and the answer would still depend on them.
POINT 2:
Never was there a time I was able to decide for myself completely, there would always be the "consideration" of my folks, and if they won't allow me, poor me...i was able to come up to the thought that i am quite old enough to decide things for me..whatever the outcome would be, positive or not, the blame would all be on me, it's my choice, ergo, i'd be the one to suffer.
POINT 3:
If I would just want to, i could have filed for invasion of privacy for them intruding my privacy. everything should pass to them first, phone calls screened or at worst scenarios, they are on the extension phone listening, mobile phone callers are asked what they need, what i did with my money and stuff like that..really, it kinda suck already..
POINT 4:
i really did not intend to take Polsci as my course but since they wanted it for me, so off i went. even if my interest at first was not lined up for the said course, i set my mind to love it, and eventually i did. it's a good thing that i was able to learn to love it, because if not, i would have heard so much from them again.
POINT 5:
What I did was for them such a big deal..they won't let me go out of the comfort zone they have fenced me with yet they are afraid that i might still do it. they call me stubborn for not heeding them always but what can i do, this is me, so i need no comparison..they are afraid that i might indulge into something that would put them to shame, gawd!sometimes, i still do have lucid interval run into my nerves.
sometimes, a lot of what if's are coming into my mind..what if my parents were still here, what if i did this before, what if i went on with me being the rebellious kid that i was once, what if i care less of what impression will my actions imply...what if, my life is still as happy and as enjoyable as the life i had before..a lot of what ifs..but i know i can never go back to the same old days...
a friend of mine told me that i know what the best thing is.she even told me that still being there is no loger healthy for me. my mind's so crowded with a lot of things.i wanted to flare up..cry..say what i want..but i am sick and tired of not being heard..and if by doing so, i would still seem disrespectful of them..if not for the people who continously gives me pieces of advice and are helping me overcome this, i could have lost my sanity.over the weekend, i was completely decided on not going home anymore.it's not that they want me out of the house already, but if i would still be staying there, i don't know what's gonna happen since it seems to them that i am not existing..if not for the talk i had with some people that day, i could have been somewhere over there..believe me, this feeling sucks!
up to now, i am still in a state of "no-whereness", if there is such a word..i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the week after, argh!it's a pain in the ass..until now, i wanted to cry..flare up..move out..but i simply can't..i have to be tough, even if i'm weak, laugh even if i'm crying inside,go on with life although it's hard..i know that life is not always happy but i think what i am into is, somehow, going beyond overboard..
the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 4:31 AM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
A birthday and an anniversary..
the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 8:36 AM
Tuesday, June 20, 2006 the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 11:03 PM
the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 5:52 AM
Friday, May 26, 2006
Random thoughts on a boring Friday evening..
the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 5:20 AM
Thursday, May 18, 2006 the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 12:25 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006 the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 3:17 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006 the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 12:05 AM
On a lighter note, my cousin Cliare celebrated her 18th birthday at Jade Palace. It was indeed a celebration since family memebers that we expected really came despite the heavy rain. It was also a bit dramatic since when Claire's parents' expressed what they want, everybody can't help but feel sad..you see, we don't know until when will claire be with us, doctors say that she will live only until 18, and she is already 18, so fear is always with us..but hopefully, with God's grace, things will turn out well.
Anyway, July 28th is my mom's birthday, sadly she's no longer with me...sheesh, i really miss my mom, i may have been stubborn to her when she was alive, but i love her dearly.aside from my grandmom, she was the only one who understands my moodswings. Right now, I don't know how it feels like to have a mom and have bonding moments with her. It's like I have already missed half of my life not having my mom around me...she died when i was in first year highschool so i really didn't get the chance to have mother-daughter bonding with her...god!if onlyu i can turn back the hands of time..the last memory i had with her was an advance birthday card from her when i celebrated my 13th birthday. she gave it to me a few days before she died and told me that she don't know if she'll still be aroung by my birthday on september...it read: "to the most wonderful daughter i have, always remember that mom loves you so much..wahtever happens...i'll miss you..take care of yourself..mom"..Yay!Mom,I know you are in a better place right now, but sometimes, I still question why this has happened to me...I am so alone right now...I need your hug and your soothing words..i love you so much..happy birthday..
as what i mentioned in my last post, i am on a new shift already..i can say it's a less pressuring sched yet still pressuring on my part...chaotic right?- that's how i can best describe my life right now - a total mess and chaos..
by the way, out of having nothing to do, i changed the skin of my blog for the nth time...wala lang...i'm so bored and pissed off..
How would you feel when that is the only answer you could get from your guy when you ask him why he wants you to let go of him?I did not intend to cry in the office, neither did I intend to coincide it with one of my supervisor's leaving. In fact, I tried to act as bubbly as I can but the moment that it crossed my mind and the thought has already sunk in, can't help but shed off my tears. You see, I've been in some turbulent relationships already, some of those were even not approved by my uncles and aunt but who cares!I admit, I am sometimes out of my mind when I fall in love...
Anyway, as if i'm not yet satisfied with the week's going, I lost my fone and money. I wont go into so much details already but the bottomline is that I am just pissed off with people who can easily get away with stealing. sure, because of the need to survive, peeople tend to do all sort of things. but heck! not at other people's expense...sad thing, some inconsiderate people around me would not want to believe in what happened. gawd! they would also say that probably i would just not want to share in the household's expense..haller!!!!god bless her ass!!
anyway, i am in a new shift again, 7 pm - 4 am...hay, buhay graveyard na naman...well, it's relaxing though since my rest days fall on weekends..
i still have so much in my mind but i can not think of it clearly, it's as if the thoughts are racing to come out of my mind...heck!my mind's in pain...argh!
Anyway, moving on, we met up with my coochie...nothing important really...we just missed each other that's why we met. He even handed me something coming from his brother, my bestfriend..I wasn't really expecting that present to be given, but at the same time, I was so touched by what he did since after some time of not being in speaking terms, we were able to patch things up....thanks, markdaniel...
The following post should've been posted a few days ago if only Mang Max is up and running...but i'll be posting it anyway..
We're off in our new building already...feeling okay...it's just that we're having a hard time going up and down of it...we're on the 31st floor so you could just imagine the time that can be wasted...anyway, it's a good thing though since we are actually located in an area that is "hidden" from almost everything.."neverneverland" is what you can call it. yay!well, we just have to get used to it..
Last Sunday, we went to Ross' place again to have bonding moments. I was with Rodney and Jayar. It was so nice to at least once in a while have such kind of get together...was able to leave the place at around six in the morning.
I met up with my tita to accompany her to buy stuff for my cousin's debut...she was hours late...grrr!!!she made up naman for it when she bought stuff for me eh...After that, we went to fetch my cousins since they will be staying at home for two days. Was able to arrive home at 7 pm..
As soon as we arrived home, I have to cook some food pa since our maid left for their province. And by the way, good news is that I already know how to cook rice, hindi yung hilaw, as in yung rice talaga na pwedeng kainin, and that is one thing i'm really proud of...the first time kase na i cooked rice, grabe, para shang lugaw and i tell you, pinagtiyagaan lang talaga kainin ng mga cousins ko..hehe..
During my cousin's two day stay at home, we had so much fun...What we did during those days were to chat, eat, watch, text...But it was indeed fun since it made us really closer..i'm still looking forward to so many night outs as well as fun with them...
guess this is it for this post,it's getting cold here already in my station ...i just need to get a break to warm myself...hehe..
Our company will be holding its annual summer getaway from work tomorrow and on Sunday at Island Cove in Cavite.Too bad, I can't come since I'll be having my shift on those days...I'm sure I'll be dying of jealousy once they brag about the fun as well as their pics..But anyway, I wish my friends fun...geez!
i had a night bonding with my cousins...we just chatted all night long and surf the net...we talked about life, love, school, sex, and anything that triggers their interest...i don't know but it's a wonderful feeling to at least bond with them once in a while...it's just that sometimes i feel too old since they are asking those stuff from me...err, as if i'm an expert eh?hehe..
wasn't able to sleep today since my cousin was rushed to the hospital because of seizure...according to the doctors, she'll be confined for a few days since they'll be conducting series of tests as well as MRI.With this, I have filed for PTO for tomorrow since i'll be th one staying in the hospital with her.
guys will always be guys!with all that they have been telling us, expect that almost all of those are lies...sheesh!sometimes, it would be hard for us to believe in them already...if only they would have the guts and courage to be honest with us, hay, eh di sana walang problema...
i'm almost done giving testimonials to my friends in my friendster's list...hehe..it has been my past time these past few days to look back and take time to make a testimonial for each one of them...sana lang matapos ko silang lahat..
i've been feasting on pastas and chocolates since yesterday. idon't know but i've been enjoying those yummy foods really...could it be...?hehe...wag naman sana..
To my teammates, goodluck naman sa ating lahat...we'll surely miss PSC...Paano na ang nga suki cards?Paano na kapag 5 minutes before shift ka lang dumating?Paano na ang smoking area?Paano na ang RCBC canteen?Paano na ang vendo machine?Paano na ang bisayang voice over sa elevator na nagsasabeng "sicond floor?"darn!it's gonna be a new adventure na naman for us...we'll keep JG's ops floor chaotic..haha!
Last Monday, I had some sort of misunderstanding with one of my friends. I am really feeling mad with the way they are treating us after that night in Malate so I decided to confront him. He actually explained his side...In fairness, we managed to settle it and I also apologized for being that straightforward to him.
These past few days, rain kept pouring the whole of Metro Manila. It's not that I hate it when it's raining, it's just that memory keeps on flooding me..call me emotional or whatever, but this kind of weather gives me those emotional boo-boos...it made me think of so many stuff, including what if's..yay!also, this weather makes me ride a cab always...FYI: I am not the sosyal type of person, but I just need to ride a cab these past few days since I am always late waking up or the rain's pouring really hard...gawd!I still have two weeks before payday!!!
Emotional turmoil is hitting me once again...and i am having a hard time deciding over things...just last Monday, I indulged into something I now regret doing...right now, i am in love but i don't know what to do...shall i follow whats right or shall i follow what my heart is dictating?
for-he-who-must-not-be-named:
i hate you for being like that..
for being caring..
for being always there..
for being a shoulder to cry on..
for making me feel special..
i hate everything you are doing to me..
it only makes me fall for you even harder when i know i shouldn't be..
i don't want to lose you but i also don't want to lose a friend..
mommy lei, mother liz, mother gos, arn and me were able to buy some cadbury chocolates for a cheaper amount of moolah...it was indeed yumyum!!hehe
I was able to read these quotes from a site in the internet...i think these quotes speaks well of how i am feeling right now...argh!
"You hug him good-bye like it's nothing... while all you want to do is hold on forever...but you let go, smile and walk away... then cry all the way home because you know it will never be the same... because try as you might you can't make someone love you, sometimes you have to let them be free... and letting go, that is when love hurts the most of all."
"To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."
yay!life sucks!
Upon fetching my cousins, we decided to go to Malate, where Drake was. We called him and he gave us the directions. We were able to arrive there, like 3 in the morning. We were able to meet his friends, one of them looks like Carlos Agassi, and the other one, I cannot think of any comparison, they are actually a couple. It was so nice of them though to accomodate us even if we came in the middle of their eating at Lookal.
While eating there, one of my cousins was talking to mark, my bestfriend, who happens to live just within the area. He wanted to meet us and invited us to their house. At first, the meeting was just for Carmen, as we let them have their time together. But when Drake and Igl was about to go to fluid, I thought that it would not be good if i'll be letting my cousins, one aged 17, and the other, 14 enter fluid and see different something something. Good thing we did not join them since Igl told us of gross scenarios she saw while inside fluid. While they were there, we decided to accept my bestfriend's invitation to just stay at their home while waiting for morning to come and we'll be heading to Libis. We had some chitchatting with his brother also and at 5 in the morning, we went to the bar in front of Giligans, (i'm sorry, I forgot the name) and told Drake that we'll be leaving. Igl decided to come over since we were about to talk about some personal stuff. Arriving at Libis, we had our breakfast at Somethin's Fishy, had a bottle of Sanmig light and that's it. Downfall: Ross at this moment is nowhere to be found, and no way to be contacted...my poor bebeh, probably, she had just too much alcohol again...it was already obvious bebeh when you were making, you know, "the moves" to francis...hehe..love you bebeh!
Moving on a more personal side, I don't know if meeting up with that bestfriend of mine brought me happiness or just pain. You see, our situation is not the typical, boy-girl bestfriend relationship,it goes a bit complicated than that. That is what we, Igl and I should have talked about. She said I was just hurting myself for doing that but I cannot actually blame me.I actually told her that it would be the last time i'll be meeting up with markdaniel, she just shrugged her shoulders off telling me that she later on, i cannot say that she did not warn me...she also told me to let go of my bestfriend even if he means so much to me..yay!the situation was indeed awkward, in fact igl could attest to that, she was the witness of, well, how i am during "those" circumstances...i just hope things get better before it'll be too late..i know, i'm gonna be in deep trouble if things go on...igl, we need to talk about it really soon...
Pictures soon to be posted..
